Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 4, 2012 11:54:28 GMT -5
So my life, fun. If I go out into the world, I get told I do not exist, so I stay indoors hidden away, only walking around outside for a little while in the sunset. The only person that comes to see me is my Master. I will not go into details about those meetings, but I wish there was more to my life than this.
I will get used to my new lifestyle, being his slave whatever. When he isn't there and I am out, I was going to do what Wolf does, use the internet as my haven, but due to my instability I have fu*ked up here too. Are there no second chances?
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 4, 2012 17:50:26 GMT -5
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 6, 2012 16:31:29 GMT -5
Running to the Start
When you say you love me I feel love When you want to hurt me I feel hurt When you command I feel hate. I never hated him once, but now my hate for you goes to him. He left me in a demon's embrace again! The damn 'God' is never there for someone like me! So, no matter what we had! I am damned to hell!
I will not give you the satisfaction of my tears and pain I do not wish to bend to your will but I am afraid. I want to find my past love and scream at him I am too scared to scream at you. A part of you smiling at my torment.
In the morning I will run... I will not do as you say, just run You won't hurt me, I will be running Never stopping until I turn around My twisted head telling me I love you now My heart still broken, not knowing.
Damn! Why did god break my heart Taking me back to the very start To fight the ghosts of yesterday Believing I could fight and be okay. If I love him, will I love the pain? Will it numb the pain?
I will run in the cold I do not expect a warming hug I know if you were there, what I would be told. “You should not be here” Yet, I will not give into the fear. You cannot kill the dead, the ghosts of yesterday You can face them, even... love them?
Goddess of Love what sick game do you play with me?
Who am I now?
“The girl that will not run”
Kaeda
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 6, 2012 19:57:23 GMT -5
My Life; Now Your Dimension
In your eyes; a dark intention Thinking my life is your dimension. In your smile; thoughts of pleasure To much pain for me to measure.
I don't even know your name! Yet I am forced to play your game! My screams are like silver, and my tears are like gold. Yet I will not be this creature that you mould. I will forever be this. The creature of the night. The creature that will fight.
In your touch; the oddest feeling What is my heart slowly revealing? In your words; how you love me My heart beats whispering; can this be?
I don't even know your name.... Yet I am forced to play your game.. My screams are like silver, and my tears are like gold. and I will be this creature that you mould. The secret never told...
I can fight no longer You are binding me I can not longer see The past I held so dear He starts to disappear Replaced by a twisted ideal Your touch, your love That made the seal.
The acceptance You are the only one Ever; in my life again Your the only one to see me, To touch me, and love me. I cannot escape the fate. It is not just my life you take.
My love follows... unwillingly as I... My past with compassion.. Goodbye...
- Kaeda
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 8, 2012 9:27:24 GMT -5
Thankful of the World that Was Not and the Time that has passed. Asylum Reality. Deadly depressive episodes, dark delusions from psychotic paranoia, and merciless manic tendencies. These are four of the difficulties we all once faced, the things we still fight, when we turn our backs for too long. Is to be healthy a delusion in itself? No one can say, but in years passed, 100 years from now, we would enter the foreboding hell of a mental institution without a second glance, the fortress walls would keeps us eternally captive, turning us to the rats of torturous experiments. To think how he would of subjected us to the worst torment imaginable.The door closes and she knows there is no going back from here. She screams to her gods she never met him, but no one can get her out of the prison he condemned her too. She was still too distressed to think straight but she was to tired to fight the bindings of her straight jacket for much longer. She knew acceptance was the only way to make is at least minimally better, but she could not accept such a twisted fate. She sank to her knees and screamed only going quiet as the sedative spread through her body poisoning her veins with a forced fatigue. In her mind she could only say “No” and beg a nothingness to allow her to wake in a kinder world. I felt she was asking me, but I could not help, not this time, I would only kill him if the day came we got out. Yet I would not show my face here, or I would only bring her more pain. I felt almost grateful of the drugs as it calmed the anger that was slowly pushing me to the surface. For once, I did not want to breath out in the world, not this world, it was anyone’s worst nightmare, but not hers, it was her reality and there was no waking up. - By Kaeda
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 8, 2012 17:37:55 GMT -5
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 11, 2012 16:21:39 GMT -5
*MIGHT TRIGGER*This is a written peice about a Nightmare I had, I imagine this is what the future will be like for me, the nightmare is rather true to form of real life events, apart from the cellar. It's not smut, not exactly.
I am not sure how this happened or what went wrong, was it a mistake to kiss him that day? My mind tells me it was, now I am condemned but passed it all my heart says no. I am seduced by the darkness as much as I hate it, I want to fight it and scream but at the same time the nightmare is like a dream. If only he could be dark without the control, but he longs for my soul. He wants the light in my eyes, and there will be no goodbyes. An eternal slave, his perfect little doll moulded into the embodiment of obedience, only used to a world in chains. This is my future, the price paid for my sins.
I really should just stay inside, but if I did she might get hurt, I know that I am one of they only ways to help her. I would not let her be hurt again. So here I am out again, I have been out a lot, he figured out I was the main controller and I can stop Kira coming out for as long as he wants a pet, now he does not need to be so careful. It is dark in here but I am grateful for that, sunlight only causes me to become fatigued, I am only surprised he has not used it to his advantage yet. I am to stay down here until he comes to get me, and if I let Kira out I would seriously regret it, so here I wait. I think he has gone out but I cannot be sure. I focus my attention to sounds, the hound is pacing up and down in the kitchen, he seems as bored as I am. I would pace too, if I could. The time has passed so slowly put I hear the front door open and as if it was not easy enough to hear in this dead silence the dog has started barking loudly. I cannot make out what he is saying over the dogs barks but he is no doubt talking to the hound to get it to shut up. I turn my attention to myself my wrists are aching and try to move my arms so that my wrists will slip into a more comfortable position but just end up losing my balance and falling to the floor. As I do, as luck would have it the lock turns and a light switch is clicked. The cellar illuminates so that the man in the doorway can look upon me.
He laughed as he walked down the steps into the cellar. “N'aaaw look at you, did you fall?” he asks in a mocking cutsy voice. I only growl in slight embarrassment not wanting to reply as it seemed pretty damn obvious. He picked me up off the floor quite gently and smiled kissing me. Despite the arrangement we have and the bitterness I feel at such a life style, like a girl in love my heart warms at his smile, and leaps as we kiss. He smiles again as we come apart and unties me. “You have been a good girl” he says as he lifts me up and takes my hand. “I was only doing what you told me to do Master” I reply. His real name is Ash, but for as long as I can remember now he has been Master to me, he controls me in return for making the girl that owns my body happy. As he led me out the cellar he told me that Kira was to come out soon, but I was allowed supper before I went away. As he turned to lock the cellar door again I rolled my eyes a little, so parts of defiance would never change, the dog came over to me, a most beautiful Husky of Kira's I smiled as I looked at him and put my finger to my lips in case he had seen my eye rolling, before petting him. He licked my hand and nuzzled me as I had bent down. I ran my fingers over his collar after realising Kira had bought him another new one, he'd be needing a wardrobe for them next.
Ash looked down at us and chuckled “I'm glad you like it, I was thinking of getting you one” I tense, I never know whether to take his seriously or not, as nervousness floods my body I growl a little again and get up to face him. “You dare...” are the words to leave my lips too soon for me to regret them. He smiles at me again this was all such fun to him. “Awwww don't you want one?” he asks I am starting to get irritated, I am always so intolerable when he is like this with me, the damn torment mind games that drive me up the walls. I realise I am growling trying terribly to control myself. “I think I should go out and get you one tomorrow, I can always make sure you don't switch before I take it off” He seemed a bit too serious about it for my liking and the irritation was forcing my hand through the air to swipe at him. His hand closes around my wrist stopping it. “You know by now you don't want to do that don't you?” he asks as his grip slightly tightens around my wrist. I stare at him bracing the pain and seeming unfazed, however I nod. He lets go and smiles again “Good” he says walking into the kitchen. “What do you want to eat?” I shrug not used to having the option. “If you don't make a decision you can have Koji's supper” he says in a serious tone. Koji... was the dog, enough said. However as my eyes narrow he laughs and tells me he was only joking and that I earned my supper. The thought flitting across my mind again as to how I became a person that 'earned their supper'.The truth was I could just eat a chinese but as to whether I dared ask I did not know, without Kira being out he would likely tied me up again while he went to fetch one, and if Kira came out she would steal it. I decided to be brave; “I want a Chinese” I say “but not if your going to put me in the cellar while you go and get one” “Your can't have a Chinese at this time of night” he replies “if you had told me before I had gone out maybe” Anger boils in my blood again as I fail to stop myself from retaliating. “You were sort of tying me up! Do you really think a Chinese was the first thing on my mind!” I yell instantly regretting it as he moves from towards me. Yet, like most times when I got angry I was just in the mood for a fight, I growled and went to bite him. He grabs me by the throat stopping me from biting him and pushes me backwards into the wall, he moves his hand from my throat down to my chest keeping me pushed against the wall. I close my eyes as I always do when I know pain is coming. “So many years and still, now and then you forget your place” he says, only the voice was darker, it had not been Ash for the last few minutes. Koji growls as if he had also sensed the change in his Master. Yet his Master ignored him, more interested in me as he bit hard into my neck. I breathed slowly it always seemed to help, but true to form he would keep biting down until he got a response, and I could as much fake one as I could get away from him. Soon enough he got what he wanted, the pain became great enough for me to let a squeal or something of the like. “You might want to apologise to Ash for biting him Kaeda” he said in a threatening tone. He knew I was not the apologise type he was only saying it so he had another excuse to hurt me. “Like hell, I am sorry for getting annoyed, I am sort of a Slave” I reply closing my eyes as another bite was surely coming, only I was wrong, my eyes snap open as he throws me to the floor, but not soon enough so I could have made any kind of a comfortable landing. I hit the floor landing on my wrist and cry out in pain. The alter that is now out smirks at me and crouches down grabbing my hair. “You only just worked that out?” he says in a mocking voice “That is right, Vampire, it is what you are and it is all you ever will be, so remember your place next time you feel angry, can your stupid little mind understand that” he asks One thing I hated the most was hair pulling, I had too many bad memories as it was. This took the fight out of me and as much as I wanted to smash the Demon's face in for just insulting me I told him I understood and my hair feel back over my shoulders and I sunk to the floor again. He looks down at me. “Are you ok?” he asked, this voice was Ash's he was back. “you really shouldn't-” I cut him off “defy you? I know!” I snarl. He knells down to face me and pulls me into a hug stroking my hair. “He says he wants you to stay out for a while, until you have learnt you place” “Kira is not going to like that” I mumble. “I know” he agrees “but you allowed time out too, she knows that, I will go and get you a Chinese” he finishes clearly sympathising a little. I am a little taken aback but not as much as when he asks me to come with him, I hadn't been out of the house all day, I was glad of the travelling.
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 12, 2012 3:04:17 GMT -5
Tell me if I am right: You will love who you can suppress, you will love the creature, the doll that you mould as your own. The girl that can look upon the entire world and only see you, her Master. The only man in her life, the only man to touch her, to kiss her and to hold her. The girl that will respond as soon as you command, no matter what the command maybe. The girl who will do your every wish, obey your every word, signal or stare. A girl you can use to feed your sadistic hunger, and allows you to sap the pain from her. This is who you wish me to be, your Gothic vampire doll of despair, chained to you, you the one that owns her soul.
His Reply: Yupp
You know your in trouble.
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 13, 2012 9:45:45 GMT -5
I do not know what a breakdown is, but I think I might be having one. He hurt Kira emotionally by not caring about a lovely peice of writing she had done for him. Even then she says he probably has his reasons, yet I know he is cruel.
I keep trembling, I know that I either fight him for the rest of my days which is tiring, stressful, painful and I am constantly tense. Or I give up, give in... I told myself for so long I would never do it, but I can't go on like this, doing as he wishes is more peaceful surely?
i am keep trembling, it feels physical and mentally that am am literally going to fall apart, I am putting all my strength into not crying, if I do I know I will break for sure, it's exhausting... I can't do this much more but even so, I keep weighing it up in my mind and trying to claw myself back to rights... but even if I do, I will be weaker I am only prolonging myself from breaking apart.
I am so soon going to be that broken little doll he can so easily bend to his will as he wanted... at least he will love us? Love is warm, and peaceful... dear god, I do not want to be weak like this!
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 14, 2012 17:21:53 GMT -5
Lessons Learned
I made the decision to finally do as Master tells me after breaking down yesterday. I started by doing something he had asked me to do when he was not there (certainly not going into detail) he seemed pleased with me, and was no longer going to punish me for insulting him a few nights ago. I find myself relieved I did not know if I could take it anymore, this is probably for the best as he promises, I am likely to be happy if I obey him, it certainly has to be better than when I didn't. I wonder how long they will be together, I am faced with the fact I could be a slave for the rest on my life still, it is for the best....
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 19, 2012 17:38:53 GMT -5
Master is threatening to have me strung upside down for not doing a 'job' properly. I hate being upside down it makes all the blood go to my head! (Not used to having blood). I also HATE being tied up in any sense. My only god send is there is not really anywhere where he could currently effectively string me upside down, he said he would find away and if not there were plenty of other things he could do.
God Damnit the creepy demonic ****! There is nothing I can do to get him to revoke it this time either, and he WILL do it, he always does... I just hope he does not find a way in regards to being forcefully made a frikking vampire bat. He told me he would have to punish me, for something we were discussing that was just silly, and I said you can't punish me for that! He said he would find something, he is just looking for excuses he is so sadistic... He said Master's are not meant to be kind, and I made the mistake of mentioning Kira's...
He said keeps questioning me on Kira's Master, heh is won't happen if he thinks I am giving him any information to know about Agua-Chan... He said he would be kind to me when I am good "well someone has to be kind to you" he said... Agua is... he is just so far away... Agua-Chan... Agua-Chan...
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 22, 2012 16:14:42 GMT -5
I met Kira's Rekkorian side today, it was amazing and terrifying. She had relapsed back to self-harm last night after going psychotic (which was also a relapse it was a total relapse), it was the stress of the past week we think, with the triggering event of nearly getting her BF fired. She self-harmed a bit but I manage to stop major harm. However, this morning she said she wouldn't take it anymore, she would fight Esseus and beat him. She then went on to say she would "destroy this f**king game" and "It will burn, this world will burn" along with who ever stood in her way would regret it, even Agua she would "Consume everything". It reminded me of me, when I went on a killing spree, it terrified me, but then she pulled out and cried also realizing how bad it seemed. It's hit me, hybrid species are VERY unstable, when put under an horrific about of stress and pain and break we become dark and deadly. I would refer to it as a form of Instability Species Syndrome.
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on Apr 27, 2012 7:37:40 GMT -5
It is so very strange. Master has completely changed, he told me I am free and he just wants to love me, I deserve my own life. He even said that if I loved another, then I could be with them, but their was a risk it would cause problems for the simple fact it is two relationships with the same body. Oni-San warned me against that despite what he said, but he was in agreement that I was free, because it was hurting him, as he saw I was unhappy. I sm now terribly confused, I now see him as 'Master' he released me, just as my mind reformed back to my old life of being in chains. I have thought it over and over, I feel so tired of loving and getting hurt, I may not bother, I would certainly not bother with the stress of a seperate relationship. I care about Kira's bf but I do not 'love' him, he is a human I am not usually attracted to humans, I would only dominate him. To have a nice equal relationship, I need and non human that loves me. He has Oni-San who is... well an Oni (demon) and he is dark like I am, but I am very unclear whether a relationship could work, or if I would want one. I am so uncertain of my feelings.
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Lady Kaeda Vampyress
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"Regret is for those who have earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame..."
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Post by Lady Kaeda Vampyress on May 10, 2012 19:14:51 GMT -5
I have been abused, watched her be abused, and then been abused again. I have loved and lost and I thought I did not care, but there are times then I realize it has all crept up on me. I realize I am not invincible as I remember the fear coursing through my body as he grabbed me by the hair and push my face into the ground, as he slapped me around the face or bit down hard on my body until I screamed, I was protecting her, I did my duty, it is in the past now, I do not care, but as I yearn for my Lycan for the same reasons she does... as she remembers the way her abuser let her feeling dirty, or broken, or used. I realize we are the same, I am not invisible, and I am pathetic, so then I kick myself up the arse, turn myself to stone, and take on the ****ing world.
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