|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 15, 2012 23:50:46 GMT -5
I need this here because of reasons.
<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2az236hHw1qdlh1io1_250.gif"/>
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 20, 2012 18:53:11 GMT -5
I need this here because of more reasons.
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 21, 2012 17:14:26 GMT -5
MINE!
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 22, 2012 15:23:51 GMT -5
Also mine
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 22, 2012 19:22:18 GMT -5
Too much ponies.
My mind decided to do this without me noticing.
Donut = Rarity Caboose = Pinkie Pie Church = Apple Jack Tucker = Rainbow Dash Simmons = Fluttershy Grif = Twilight Sparkle
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 23, 2012 5:13:10 GMT -5
Maor. Remind me to update my gif wall XD
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 23, 2012 5:50:52 GMT -5
DREAMS! Weird ones did I have. The first one I can't remember very well... Something about being really small, like the size of a cat, and having back pains, so I took a bath in a pail of chicken noodle soup And the second one... I was in Blood Gulch, RvB I suppose since Grif and Simmons were there. Simmons was showing Grif how to field strip his gun, which was apparently just taking one part of it out, and putting it in a different part, then reloading it and putting that part back. I was there too, not in armour, just watching them. I think it was my first day or something. Then Tex, also not in armour (she looked like Carolina, but meaner and without makeup, and more scars), showed up and randomly started shooting. She caught me in the back twice and the foot once. I fell to the ground and was like... bleeding out. Simmons and Grif just watched as Tex came over and looked at me, then grabbed my arm and started dragging me away. She put me in the back of a warthog, but it didn't have a gun on it, and was more like the bed of a pickup truck than anything. I don't know who was driving it. Church, maybe. Anyways, Tex put me down on a blue checkered table cloth that was spread out there, and I remember thinking how comfortable it was, and that it was a better place to die then on the ground. Then I think I sort of blacked out, but it couldn't have been for long, because when I opened my eyes, we were still moving, and Tex had something pressed against my wounds. She told Church (or whoever was driving, but my instinct says it was Church) that I was awake. I got really scared at that, thinking that she was either only keeping me alive so she could interrogate me, or that she was going to shoot me in the head or something. Then the warthog stopped and Tex lifted me out of it and went inside the base with me. Somehow she had York's healing unit, and used it to heal me. I remember being even more scared at that point, because if she interrogated me, I knew next to nothing about anything and she would likely think I was lying and hurt me. Plus with that healing unit, she could torture me however she wanted and still heal me back, just to start it again... She didn't though. She ended up giving me teal armour and asked if I wanted to join Blue Team. Then the dream ended.
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Apr 24, 2012 21:36:30 GMT -5
Kitteh Wolfeh
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on May 5, 2012 3:00:10 GMT -5
MYNE!
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on May 31, 2012 4:28:17 GMT -5
So... I think I might have figured out something. The reason why I've been staying up so late since I switched to taking the medicine in the morning...
I think it's because I feel more like... myself, then. I mean, right now, I want to draw. I want someone to tell me what to draw and I want to get my sketchpad and sit and draw until I'm happy with whatever it is they want me to draw.
In short, look at that, I have muse. I don't want to work on internet things right now though because I'm so tired that I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and ruin something.
I also don't have writing muse, which sucks.
But, muse, which is going to disappear in about an hour when I have to take the stupid medicine >.< Also I have an appetite now.
So... yeah, I'd say definitely the medicine. The next time I go to my doctor's I'm going to see if I can switch to something else. My mom will not let me now no matter what I say.
I'm sorry for letting you all down.
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Jun 2, 2012 21:07:38 GMT -5
Because this is long overdue. Inappropriateness + dolphins goes here XD
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Jun 4, 2012 19:40:07 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Aug 25, 2012 21:46:49 GMT -5
So, this likely isn't the right place to put this, but I don't care. I'm likely going to look back at this later and wonder what I was on when I wrote it, but right now I feel like it's important to put this somewhere. So I think I finally understand something, something that's eluded me for a long time. I understand... I'm not sure what to call it, and don't ask where these thoughts came from, because I don't even know. Well, I guess I should get to the point. It's quite simple, really. In short, everyone is unique and as long as you aren't hurting someone, do what you want. The long of it is that there is room for everyone in this world. The world doesn't care about your gender, age, skin colour, weight, or anything else that we tend to judge people by. The world is not kind or cruel. It just exists. It offers everything you could ever need, but doesn't tell you how to use it. This, to me, isn't because a God made it or anything like that. It's just evolution. The world provides all and there is a place in it for everyone. The only true evil, the only thing you can do wrong is to hurt someone. Now of course that one simple "rule" is quite complex. Hurting doesn't just mean physically, but mentally as well, and also includes harming yourself, either physically or mentally, because no matter how much you may think it doesn't, that hurts others too. It's complex though. It can include anything from outright stabbing someone to being too overprotective and causing someone to grow up fearful of the world, believing they need protection from everything because that's what they're used to. As well, if the way someone behaves bothers you, try to understand that as long as they aren't hurting anyone, that's okay. Understand that you're strange too, maybe in a different way, but that whoever tat person is, they more than likely accept you for who you are, and you should do the same in return. No one is entirely "normal" normal is just how the majority of people behave or think in a certain situation, and we aren't ever with the majority on everything. Realize that maybe the way someone chooses to wear their hair, or the expressions that they use when they talk is strange to you, but at the same time, the fact that you don't like beaches or that goats are your favourite animals may be strange to them. And understand too, that it works both ways. That whatever you like or however you behave, as long as you aren't hurting others with it, is fine as well. Never sacrifice your happiness because someone doesn't like the way you think or behave. No one is perfect, no one is worth more than anyone else. Just because one person doesn't like... Say the shirt you chose to wear that day, or the colour of your hair, or the way your voice sounds, it doesn't meen that it's wrong to be like that. I don't know what I've stumbled upon in my thinking. The key to happiness? The universal truth? Or maybe just something that you all know that isn't worth too much to you. I have no idea where this came from. It could have been the book I was reading, or the love, patience and acceptance that Arashi gives me, or that someone I don't know at all reached out to me on tumblr when I'd had a rough day and posted it there. Or hell, it could have been that I sat in the sun for three hours and that I'm lightheaded and have a headache XD Well, whatever the reason, I felt like I wanted to share this thinking with someone, and so, here it is. I kind of feel like if everyone knew this very simple truth, that a lot of people would be a lot happier.
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Sept 4, 2012 1:29:54 GMT -5
So... I don't care if this doesn't really belong here. This is my journal, so suck it.
Basically, I'm in a really stupid anxious mood right now, and for the first time in a year, it didn't latch onto Arashi to worry about.
See. This is what happens. I get anxious, then it attaches itself to nearest thing that means something to me and goes full speed down worry or anger or jealousy road until it runs out of gas. That usually happens when I write about it. I'm starting to feel a bit more calm already.
Anyways. For once it can't find anything to worry about in my relationship, which is really nice. You wouldn't believe the amount of stupid tiny things I've obsessed about for hours while the anxiety ran it's course. Well, maybe you would. I think I ended up sending a few of my anxiety writings to you guys.
But I digress.
Today my anxiety, specifically anger, is directed toward unicorns.
Or, more like people in general.
I'm sure you guys know my story by now. How when I was in grade 7 I liked unicorns and drew them on stuff and my classmates decided it was wrong and constantly teased me and drew inappropriate stuff on my drawings of them and whatnot.
And how it was the first time anything bad had really happened to me and it hit me really hard and that's why I'm shy.
Well now...
Now the whole god damned internet is full of unicorns. Now guys my age (it was mostly the boys who were assholes to me) like my little pony and there's pictures and drawings of unicorns all over the internet.
Now it's okay to like them.
Now people the same age as me, hell, likely the same ONES that told me I wasn't allowed to like them back in grade 7 do.
Now how the hell is that fair? How can you tell a 12 year old girl that she isn't allowed to like unicorns and bully and harass her to the point where she thinks NOTHING SHE LIKES OR THINKS IS RIGHT and then turn right back around and love them?
Do they know what they did to me? No, likely not. No one likely linked me becoming shy with what they did. They were just kids and likely thought it was fun. They didn't understand how much it hurt me. That when I stopped liking them, it wasn't by choice, but because they had forced me into it.
It doesn't change much though, because it still happened. What the **** gave them the right to do that? What the HELL made them think that was alright?
It hurt back then but now... Now it's like the universe is laughing at me. Now it's like everyone else is allowed to enjoy them but not me.
I still like unicorns, but it's almost like... I'm afraid of them because of all the pain they ended up causing me. You see it now and then. I've had some adoptables, coloured things unicorn coloured, added unicorn horns to things.
I have some unicorn books that I won't get rid of even though they're far below my reading level and a picture of a unicorn hanging on my wall that I got one year.
But that's it. I used to adore unicorns. I drew them on everything, spent days drawing them and cutting them out and putting them in a little plastic baggie. I collected unicorn toys, figurines, books, posters...
I liked unicorns more than I like RvB now, and that's saying something.
It's not that I'm sad that I lost that. I mean, hell, I'm free to make a blog dedicated to unicorns on tumblr if I wanted to.
It's more that... This might seem childish, but watching unicorns pop up everywhere finally showed me that it wasn't wrong to like them. That it wasn't wrong, and it was those stupid ****ing kids that, no exaggeration, screwed my life up. Was I hurting anyone with my love of unicorns? No. Was I happy liking them? Yes. Were the kids stupid ****ing douchebags? Hell yes.
And it's stupid. It's like... I feel like I withdrew from life pretty much. Like I built walls around myself, or even a ****ing box of bricks in order to separate myself from them, to protect myself.
And now... now I don't need that anymore. I likely didn't in the first place, because they were just stupid kids with no idea of how much their actions hurt, but now I don't need it anymore.
I don't need it, but I was so scared of them that I built it as tough as I could. And for awhile I was happy with that. I could be safe. I never had to be hurt. I kept interactions with people I didn't know to an absolute minimum. I was polite. I held doors open for people and never got in their way. If they talked to me, I'd reply back politely.
But thinking that you have to do that, that everyone is going to hurt you, is a very lonely way to live.
I mean... I have the internet. I've always been able to be myself on here. Likely because protecting myself is so easy. If people don't like me, I could just click on that little X on the left hand side of the page and never visit that site again, or delete my account and make an entirely new one, be a new person.
Eventually, the internet wasn't just my escape anymore, but my home. I had people who knew me, not the polite, indifferent mask I show to the outside world, but knew me. My hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities. Knew all that, and stuck with me.
But the internet is different than real life too. A virtual hug is different from a real life one. Words on a screen different from a voice and a face. The internet is a very lonely and detached place, filled with lonely and detached people.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not sad that I found the internet. Without it, I wouldn't have found that it's okay to be me. I wouldn't have found all you guys. I wouldn't have found Arashi.
It's just, I look out at the real world sometimes, at how many people say just to be yourself and that you can like whatever you want. I look at the people who cosplay characters and meet at houses for dungeons and dragons tournaments and dye their hair green and are accepted.
And I know if I could go back to it, that I'd likely be accepted too, but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to go back. A part of me that looks at the world and says "you hurt me" and is terrified and is cold and untrusting and tests people kind enough to try and be my friend to make sure they won't hurt me again.
Because somehow, in my mind, it was everyone. Now I know that's not right. I know that there were likely even people in my class that didn't join in, but I was too focused on the ones who wouldn't let me like what I wanted to notice.
Just like there's people out there who are genuinely kind and accepting and like me for who I am. But I drive them away because I'm still so scared of them.
Scared of them, and angry at myself. I have very low self esteem, I trust myself less than I trust anyone else. It's hard for me to make a decision without wondering if it's okay or not. My mind automatically thinks of how something could inconvinence someone else when it thinks of something.
It's gotten to the point where it's nearly instinct. I can't sit in a classroom without wondering if someone else would want the chair I'm sitting in. I feel like a waste of space, an outcast, like I don't belong or deserve to be there, and no amount of telling myself I do helps.
Fear and self doubt are stronger than loneliness. You don't see it as much, because like I said, the internet has pretty much become my life. I can do pretty much whatever I want here with no fear that you'll judge me for it. I can be myself.
But sometimes, in the early hours of the day, when everyone's offline and asleep, I look out at the world, at everything I left behind. I remember everything that drove me to this. I remember what I had before, a time when I would invite every girl in my class to my birthday parties with no fear that they wouldn't want to go. I remember when I didn't overanalyze things, where I didn't turn a thought over and over again in my head until I came up with the worst possible reason for it. I remember when I did good in school and my parents loved me and everything else.
I look out at that world, at how now it's okay to like unicorns. At how now it's okay to express yourself. At how now I don't have to be afraid, and I don't know how to go back to it.
|
|
|
Post by Wolf_Rainbowtail on Oct 11, 2012 3:46:11 GMT -5
I want to start writing in here more... For now, shoutout to the fact that my computer keeps every video I've ever recorded and I had no idea of it *Deletes a bunch*
|
|